Dear Mama

I have something to ask you. 

When did you learn you have it?
...Was it earlier than that time when I had to attend our school parade in Grade 1, and we needed to wear Filipiniana, and you let me go wearing a Barbie dress?
...When I was kinds upset you weren't there in the sidelines, because you were in the hospital (for what?) and you let me bring a small bilao (women tray) with some veggies--I remember that sitaw (stringbeans).
...and I was not in the mood afterwards, you asked me why and I said it's because most of my classmates (just one or two, really) wore really regal clothes, had those period jewelry (it was a maria clara choker), and their bilaos were so full with lush veggies (and I realise now that must have weighed a lot), and that their moms were there, being all supportive and telling them "magpupunta tayo sa SM pagkatapos" (we'll go to SM afterwards).

And you laughed. It was a teasing laugh. You always tease me, so I know that laugh. You had to retell that story to everyone you talked to, that day.

So if you already knew by then, that you only have a few years to live-- 
How were you taking all these?
How does to feel to have an ungrateful daughter, complaining about her Barbie(!) dress and her lightweight bilao?

Why were you laughing, Ma?
Why didn't you get angry?

Or were you angry? 

You know, I've told this story more than once before, to Jay I think. And honestly, it never occured to me that perhaps you were already sick then.

And I feel so embarrassed now, for such silliness. For being this brat who likes to tell you how she feels on bad days.

How did you do it, Ma? 




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