wander, woman

I have not updated myself in the literature of policy research, but I am aware of the things that relate to it, like for example a study of the policy process. I know that policy studies is in this juncture of transitioning from policy 'science' which treats policy as a positivist tool and object, to policy 'study' which accepts that the positivist approach to learning about the policy process is not effective, or even the best yardstick. I think it boils down to what one intends to do with it, really. Are you trying to optimise it? Standardise it? Define it?  Or are you trying to understand it? 

 I am not sure why I am having a hard time settling down. This antsy-ness has to stop, I am getting moodier by the mile and I don't know-- my energy levels are low. Is it the expenses? :) October beat September to this-- it's just so many things we need to pay for, and all those things I thought we shouldn't have shouldered are, well, there.  So today I learned two things. One is that money is never enough. We pay for many things, and it just never ends. Another thing is-- that I can still live without that watch. :) Hello xmas wishlist. :)

I think about my children almost all the time. Sometimes I would try to set some "me" time but I also end up doing things for them, like getting things they need, or making appointments in their behalf. I am not complaining really, I love doing it for them. I sometimes picture their eyes looking at me, doing nothing else, just looking. I have just been so busy these days, and I have lots of things I wish I can do with them. I envision a future of us doing those things, one of which involves a place where we can improve on our eye sight. Is there even such a place? Will a sunny, bright place be the answer to this? There will be times I would try to solve this-- hoping we'd get our 20/20 vision back. A's eyes are poorly, mine has deteriorated post parts and is hastened by the cold weather plus less day time bright light. Should be the computer too. If there would be this place for us to rest-- and I know where it is-- that place would have the beach, fresh air and good ...

 Day 3 and 4 should not actually count, mainly because it's exhaustion family day. We run errands these days, we bring kids to classes, pay A with milk tea as agreed upon on Saturdays. Sundays is food shopping, and park.  After 5 hours in downtown last Saturday we attended a birthday party. That's a part of it too. Sometimes I myself am amazed on how much we have to do, and why we keep doing them anyway. Half of me is tired, while the other half knows that we're doing this for the kids. We get to spend time with them, we get to do things they love to do. It's an excuse to walk around, and ferry them from one place to the other. And have pearl milk tea. 

The word is out-- I contributed to IMISCOE PhD Blog's Special Issue on Decolonising Methodologies . Pretty happy with how the article turned out, it was a good exercise on keeping things concise.  My article on p.11 talks about decolonising tools such as Ethnography, and warns about mistaking binaries in writing against the empire. There is more to oppression and colonialism than the us vs them framework. We have seen demagogues in this system flourish, thus we need to be careful.

 I am challenging myself: 1. To write something everyday. 2. To read something everyday. 3. To exercise every Friday. Then gradually twice a week, thrice, everyday.

Minsan nadadaanq lang ng pride eh. Pero may presyo ang lahat ng bagay. I don’t even mean price as money. My last salary drawn in 2004, where I started my first job after university was the same amount you are ‘offering’ me in 2016. To travel for an hour, on a really bad schedule because I am a junior faculty, and not to even undergo proper employee orientation, without any proper place to stay in, in between classes. I talked to people about this, and they really think this is an investment really. That things will get better.   When I was asked to work for xxx, I even consulted wit Dr Axx. He said strategically it’s a no-brainer. The more prestigious school will take me further, in life’s trajectories. But Uxxx gave me a cubicle. And the intellectual reign to design the module I am teaching. No turning back, really. There are times I think of that, i.e., whenever I prepare my lectures on Fukuyama’s State-building (American Government and Politics), or when I get my students to wor...

one of those nights i thought hey-- i should write this down. i might. might. have reached the point where that smugness, smugidity, smug has finally worn. it might be because of age, may be because of time. whatever it is, it's making me rhyme. again. like something lost now finally found. someone i had, an old familiar sound. must not drop the ball, do not do this in haste. write. make. tell stories. create. always wanting, always hungry, let all things percolate.

Sometimes I wonder if someone will ask me what I've been doing in 2020. And assume I lost my job, or I didn't do "much" because don't know-- I'm just scared of the fact people are going to hold me accountable for my low productivity in terms of career progression. I have to apply for studentship next year, and they might ask me why I didn't do anything related to my goal of getting hired for one this year. Harsh, but possible. It's as if it's a sign of desirability, to have been able to 'rise' through this unprecedented times by doubling productivity. You see, I did try. I tried looking for something to keep myself engaged, just so I don't lose that connection. I had a couple of almosts, but nothing really materialised. Past mid year now, and I will still try.  I home schooled my kids this entire time. My son, who is P3 this coming September knows how to multiply using the fingers method. My daughter, incoming JK, can write her name and...

I aim to write more often about a newly discovered interest. As much as I'd like to call it passion, I feel like I should earn it, if i call it that-- a passion. You see, like most late-30 somethings in the internet, I started getting interested with plants.  Okay, houseplants. Because saying I like plants in general is killing it (the term, not the actual plants), I mean kingdom plantae is a kingdom. I have to tell you, the last time we had plants was when we moved to a new apartment in Manda. (ohhh...I did write about this before) So yes, I was a plant killer in my other Manda life. There are actually many factors that led to this, and one of them involved being so busy with work and homelife (I gave birth to P2 while I was in the end of the semester. but hey-- I still managed to sit in of my classes' finals exam. two weeks post partum). I remember looking for particular plants then-- marigolds, because I read that they are great mosquito repellents. I thought my kids would n...

Ask me to screen capture the last two things I've been working on tonight and I'll show you a screen about how to scan using my relative new printer (1 month old), and this (above). Yes I am not the most conscientious when it comes to catching up on my reading assignments, but I can readily digest a study on zinc (chelated or carbonate?) and its effects on growth among school going children. Ah, motherhood. Nothing else keeps you on your toes.

(this was written in 2015) It was the first day of the new year. my husband and i, together with our then-only child, went to Disneyland in Hong Kong to watch this spectacular show called Paint the Night. A bit odd for a family with a small child perhaps, to be spending New Year in this place of artificial lights and manufactured happiness. But I took pictures, and I did remember how my son’s eyes widened with all these lights—one of his favourite things in the world. In his eyes I saw magic. All that waiting on the sidelines, cold and crowded, dissipated. But we were not alone in experiencing this magic. That night we saw groups of Filipina Domestic Workers with their charges enjoying the show. It was one of those rare moments I saw first hand how these things like care and motherly nurture can indeed be manufactured too.   The taking turns of who goes to the toilet so that the kids are still looked after. That sharing of food, that patient nudge, hugs every now and then, when som...

I have something to ask you.  When did you learn you have it? ...Was it earlier than that time when I had to attend our school parade in Grade 1, and we needed to wear Filipiniana, and you let me go wearing a Barbie dress? ...When I was kinds upset you weren't there in the sidelines, because you were in the hospital (for what?) and you let me bring a small bilao (women tray) with some veggies--I remember that sitaw (stringbeans). ...and I was not in the mood afterwards, you asked me why and I said it's because most of my classmates (just one or two, really) wore really regal clothes, had those period jewelry (it was a maria clara choker), and their bilaos were so full with lush veggies (and I realise now that must have weighed a lot), and that their moms were there, being all supportive and telling them "magpupunta tayo sa SM pagkatapos" (we'll go to SM afterwards). And you laughed. It was a teasing laugh. You always tease me, so I know that laugh. You had to rete...

I am writing about foreign workers. In host countries that is what one calls them, these newcomers/ temporary workers/ immigrants who take in these jobs a local will not want doing, daresay last in doing. These foreign workers, from my side of the conversation are some home countries' exported labour force-- usually driven by economic needs, to feed their family-- and in many ways a sending country's saving grace. Remittances are inflation free, and sending them away makes less people to sustain. This is in many ways an exploitative relationship, but for the very sake of agency let's try to believe that this is a give and take relationship, an agreement among equals.  So when issues regarding the management of 'return' (and by return I mean not just physically coming back, but the whole process involved-- of remittances, of investments, of guarantees, of homecomings) comes up I think there's only one interest that need to be highlighted here, and that is of thes...

As if things cannot mystify us more, Pentagon says --"ok, you got us. we might as well get this out now, because you'll never know, re: UFOs ". I mean come on, we all knew that already. But really, now it's like one things less to think about, to wonder about. I find it funny, in like an Agnes Nutter kind of way that things just had to unravel like this.  In a more things-can-be-controlled matter, there's this on going revision of OFW Philhealth contributions (and all other direct contributors) from 2.75% to 3% for 2020. This gets better, as issues of non-remittance plague the agency as of February this year.  This is not actually new-- other agencies have done the same in the past (i need to find this article, it's a case from the Phil embassy in Sg) So I don't know.  But here's what I know: We need to pay attention more The Day the Saucers Came Gaiman That Day, the saucers landed. Hundreds of them, golden, Silent, coming down from the sky like great...

How's everyone doing? Today is sunny. I am thankful for that, although we can't really get out and enjoy the warmth. My houseplants are soaking it up, I try to do shifts with them in that special spot near the window where the sunlight strikes for a good 3 hours in the morning. I do rotations for everyone, expect for the Muscaris (they are there already, but not nearest the window) and the African Violet (which seems not to do well with sort of direct sunning). A has christened the Muscaris btw: Dime, Nickel, Blueberry and Joe Jr. Nope-- don't ask me why. Heard in the news that Quebec is opening up soon, like in 2 weeks. They're starting with schools outside Montreal, then a week in, schools in Montreal. It's long been believed that there's this direct correlation between cities and pandemics . Suppose it's population density, reliance on public space and heavy usage of public infrastructure like transportation. I really wonder how this event will alt...

I had so much content yesterday I missed a daily post. Pft. Anyway, I have been tinkering with the ukulele for years (years!) and sad to say I've never really gone to a passable level of playing. I can do the chords, my strumming is limited to 'I'm Yours' (i mean, who doesn't after years of not touching the thing? well, me). But playing the ukulele for me is never just about the challenge (if you can even call my level of commitment a response to a challenge), it was about having fun. I like trying out new songs, never mind if my level of mastery is nil. I found chords of some of the Weeknd's songs, and Regina's, and I'm all set. I throw in some Mileys everynow and then, simply because-- well, I can. :) Yesterday was caring less about what other people may think, I just thought well fork this-- some people express themselves by copying and lip syncing to someone in social media, and I love to showcase songs I like by singing them while playing the ...

I am cooking up a study on migrant returnees and return migration, and I thought it's an opportune time to look at it in terms of how the pandemic has affected migrant returns. There's this preliminary study made by  Ang and Opiniano (2020)  under Ateneo (i think), and it touched on an impending crisis. But being a people person that I am, I thought I would like to gather data from the returnees themselves, and more than that-- insights on return. I thought this experience has made them experience return, and has given them a glimpse of their life upon return. I wanted to look at it in a timeline, a sort of pre-/ during/ post- process. I mean these are extraordinary times, but one has to document a sort-of pessimistic scenario, don't you think? Besides, it makes you curious about the thought process involved. Has the pandemic affected their decision making for the future? In what sense (ie have they thought about getting insurance, investments (what types), etc)? These in...

I reread this entry from my other blog (i have no idea why there is another blog done within the same timeline, i have forgotten). And holy molly. I liked it. Why do I sound so profound when I write about despair? Anyway-- I know I have promised this before, and I guess making promises are not that effective for me. So here's a challenge: I post something everyday. On a really good day, I write. Before I get side tracked, this thing below is good one. Trust me. impromptu 4:04 (posted Dec 14 2016) When things don't go as planned, or you're just too flustered to understand, go home and regroup. go home and reflect. time has always a way of orchestrating life in retrospect. Because dreams pile up, tears may have been shed, but remember you came here with nothing, only dreams some of which you're forgetting. So recall what you've always wanted in the first place Remember those that are necessary. when things get in the way of living, and the fear of what may happ...

So, finally after 2 and almost a half year I finally thought "yeah, i think i can do this marathon". I'm referring to my birth story, which I thought I don't really need to document, and I've read a lot about from other people, and that I thought it's fine, I will spare everyone the details of how I laboured for almost a day, and that my son does not need to know how I suffered happily (neck deep in sarcasm here) to get him out. Seriously, the only thought that comforted me that time was "it will all be over soon. it will not last forever." Funny. I am writing now because I am challenging myself to write about something concise. And that because I want my son to read about this when he's old enough (because he can read now, and it will only be a matter of months before he can read a story by himself. oh boy, can he read.), and maybe come back to it when he needs to be reminded and assured. That I am a sentimental shmuck, and I deman...